


Side Effects May Also Include Hypervigilance, Vivid Nightmares, And More Cuddling

by decadent_mousse



Series: Side Effects May Include... [2]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, M/M, Nightmares, Separation Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-29 05:33:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1001608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/decadent_mousse/pseuds/decadent_mousse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He woke up, and for one heart-pounding, disorienting moment, he wasn’t sure where he was.  It took a few seconds for his brain to register that he was in his room, not the lab – lying in bed, not sitting in a crumpled heap on the floor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Side Effects May Also Include Hypervigilance, Vivid Nightmares, And More Cuddling

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place about a month after Side Effects Of Drifting May Include... Thanks again to my beta for looking this over for me!

_He found Newton bleeding and convulsing on the floor.  He didn’t even remember moving, but one moment he was standing frozen at the entrance to their lab and the next he was on the floor beside him, grabbing ahold of him as gently as possible as the seizures began to subside._

_“Stupid.  So stupid,” Hermann muttered, as he did his best to assess his condition.  “What were you thinking?”_

_Newt made a sound that was probably meant to be a laugh, but came out more like a sob, he reached up and grabbed Hermann’s arm, clinging onto it tightly.  His pulse was an alarmingly erratic flutter against Hermann’s fingertips._

_“For God’s sake, Newton,” Hermann said, voice trembling.  “Say something.  Speak to me.”_

_Newt looked up at him, eyes wide – one filled with blood, and the other with tears.  He was shaking so hard.  He said nothing, and Hermann had lost count of the number of times in the past he had told him to be quiet, to shut up, that he talked too much – he regretted it now.  The silence was excruciating._

_“I’ll– I’ll go get someone–“_

_He hadn’t thought it was possible for Newt’s grip on his arm to be any tighter, but when he tried to get up, his fingers dug in so hard it hurt.  “D-don’t.”_

_“What?”_

_“Don’t leave me.”_

_Hermann’s heart twisted painfully in his chest.  “I… I won’t.  I won’t.”_

_He pressed his face into Hermann’s shoulder and whimpered._

_“It’s going to be alright,” Hermann said._

_Eventually, Newt stopped shaking.  His hold on Hermann’s arm loosened._

_“Newton?”_

_There was no response.  He hadn’t realized how the sound of Newt’s ragged breathing had filled the room until it stopped.  Without it, the silence was so thick he felt like he was drowning._

_He laid his cheek on top of Newt’s head and wept._

~

He woke up, and for one heart-pounding, disorienting moment, he wasn’t sure where he was.  It took a few seconds for his brain to register that he was in his room, not the lab – lying in bed, not sitting in a crumpled heap on the floor.

Tears stung his eyes when he felt Newt stir beside him.

Bleary green eyes regarded him with confusion.  “Hermann?  What is it?  What’s wrong?”

“I had a nightmare.”  That was a huge understatement – the word “nightmare” barely seemed to quantify the experience.  “It’s… it’s nothing.  I’m fine.”

Newton made a sympathetic noise.  “Was it the kaiju?”

“Er, yes.”  He hoped Newton would be too groggy to pick up on the lie.  He didn’t want to talk about it.  He wanted to take the whole thing and shove it to the farthest, darkest corner of his mind to be forgotten.

“Don’t worry,” Newton muttered sleepily, eyes drifting shut again, “I won’t let ‘em eat you.”

That statement was absurd for a number of reasons, among which were: a) Hermann knew full well he wasn’t about to get eaten by a kaiju and b) even if he _had_ been, Newton was hardly capable of fending one off singlehandedly.  So, really, it was probably doubly absurd that he actually found it somewhat comforting.

Newton didn’t say anything else and Hermann had a brief moment of panic, but he had just fallen back asleep – he probably hadn’t even woken up entirely to begin with.  Still, Hermann found himself watching the rise and fall of Newt’s chest for close to half an hour before he finally managed to doze off again. 

Mercifully, the rest of his night was dreamless.

~

The dreams became more and more frequent after that until they were practically a guaranteed occurrence every night.  No two were exactly the same, and each one somehow managed to be more horrifying than the last.

It was worse whenever Hermann woke up and Newt wasn’t there.  It wasn’t uncommon for him to be gone – Newt rarely slept more than four or five hours a night, and more often than not less than that – so, of course, he was usually already up and out of bed long before Hermann wrestled himself free from his dreams.  He knew, logically, that no matter how vivid the nightmares might be, that’s all they were – but he would still find himself fighting off a profound sense of panic whenever he woke up alone.

Out of habit, the lab was always the first place he checked.  However, since the amount of work to be done had died down somewhat since the Breach had been closed, neither of them spent nearly as much of their time in the lab as they once had.  Today, Newt wasn’t there.  That was no cause for concern – there were plenty of other places he could be. 

He tried to set aside his anxiety and get some work done, but between the exhaustion and the nagging sense of foreboding he’d been feeling since he’d woken up, he ended up spending most of the morning staring blankly at his chalkboard and accomplishing very little.  When Newton finally arrived at the lab, Hermann spun around so fast his leg complained at the sudden movement.

“Good morning.”

“It’s two o’clock in the afternoon,” Hermann responded numbly.

“Well, _belated_ good morning, anyway.  What’s up?”

Hermann collided with him so hard he staggered slightly, wrapping his arms tightly around him.

Newton laughed, startled, “Wow, okay.  Hi.”

“I– I’m sorry.”  Hermann let go of him abruptly, feeling extremely foolish.  He was being ridiculous.  He had wasted his entire _morning_ being ridiculous.

“Dude, you don’t have to be _sorry_.  You caught me by surprise, but not, like, in a _bad_ way.  Are you feeling okay?”

“Yes, of course.  I’m fine,” he said, throat tight.  “It’s just… very good to see you.”

Newt’s grin lit up his entire face, and it never failed to make his heart flop around in his chest like a dying fish, no matter how many times he’d seen it.  “It’s good to see you, too.  Maybe I should come in late more often, now that I know it’ll get me free hugs.”

“I’d rather you not.  We _do_ still have some work that needs to get done, if you’ll recall.”

“And just like that, the moment’s gone,” Newt said with a dramatic sigh, kissing him on the cheek before wandering over to his side of the lab.

~

_Hermann saw the tendrils of Otachi’s bioluminescent tongue extend towards Newton, and could do nothing but watch helplessly, because he wasn’t there, even though he was._

_Something about that didn’t seem quite right._

_He wanted to shout at Newton –  tell him to_ move _,_ run, _do_ something, _because he was just_ standing _there, shaking, as the kaiju reached for him – but he couldn’t.  He couldn’t make a sound._

_Newt couldn’t either, until Otachi’s tongue enveloped him, and then he started screaming and didn’t stop.  It was just one long, terrified scream that didn’t end until the tongue disappeared back into the kaiju’s gaping maw, taking Newt along with it._

~

Newton raised an eyebrow and nudged him with his knee.  “Hey, are you alright, man?  You’re looking pretty stressed today.”

“I’m fine.”

“Really?”

Hermann stared down at his dinner very, very intently.  “Really.”

The other man sighed and stabbed a meatball with his fork.

“Newton, I’m fine.”

“You keep saying that.”

“That’s because it’s _true_.  I appreciate your concern, but I – am – fine.  I’m simply… tired.  It’s been a long day.” 

Newt glanced at him and looked for a moment like he wanted to say something else, but he just sighed again and went back to poking at his food without his usual enthusiasm.

Hermann eventually gave up trying to finish his dinner – he was already dreading going to bed, and anxiety had a way of ruining one’s appetite.  He could feel Newt’s gaze following him as he all but fled the mess hall, but he didn’t look back. 

~

_He had been searching for hours, cautiously poking his way through the rubble the kaiju had left in its wake.  He’d called out Newton’s name several times, and had lost count of how many more times he had outright_ screamed _it after that.  His voice had long since failed him, but he was still searching._

_Where was everyone?  Why wasn’t anyone helping him look?_

_His heart plummeted when he saw the pair of broken glasses.  Out here, in the middle of a sprawling city, they could have been anyone’s, but he knew – he knew with a sick certainty who they belonged to._

_Not much farther now.  He had to be close._

_He spotted the back of a familiar jacket, still worn by a familiar shape, slumped over on the shattered pavement.  He was already running towards him as fast his legs would carry him._

_“Newton,” he said urgently, dropping down on his knees beside him.  His hip grinded painfully, but he didn’t care.  He didn’t care._

_Newt didn’t respond, but at a glance, Hermann didn’t see any injuries.  Maybe he’d just been knocked unconscious. He reached down and, as gently as possible, turned him over onto his back._

_Hermann’s breath caught his throat._

_Newton’s shirt – what was left of it – was soaked red with blood.  Something with claws had shredded it, and the flesh underneath, to ribbons.  There was blood everywhere, he was kneeling in a large pool of it, and he wasn’t sure how he hadn’t noticed that before – it didn’t make any sense, he should have noticed._

_He pulled Newt into his arms with a strangled sob.  He never should have let him out of his sight – he should have gone with him.  How long had he laid there, alone, dying?  Maybe if he’d moved a little faster, found him just a little bit sooner, he could have–_

~

Hermann jolted awake.

“Okay, that’s it,” Newt said.

Before he could ask, _That’s what?_ Newton gently – but firmly, without much room for argument – grabbed him by the shoulder and tugged him close.  He kissed him softly on the mouth then rested his forehead against his. 

“See?  Still here.”

Hermann swallowed past the lump in his throat.  “I don’t know what you mean.”

Newt gave him a look.  “Yeah, you do.”

Hermann closed his eyes.  “I’m–“

“Dude, if you say you’re fine one more time, I’m gonna smack you.  You’re not fine.  You’re really, really _obviously_ not fine.”

He hadn’t noticed how often he’d been saying it until he realized he didn’t know what else _to_ say – and he wasn’t sure what Newton wanted him to say, either – so he just sort of laid there and floundered quietly, eyes still shut.  Maybe if he laid there like that for long enough he would just fall back asleep and not have to say anything at all.

He heard Newton sigh, and felt his weight shift on the bed.  He thought he was getting out of bed, at first.  His aggravation was so acute, Hermann could feel it marching up and down his skin like a swarm of ants.  After several moments, though, he still hadn’t left, and Hermann was about two seconds away from giving into curiosity and asking him what he was doing when Newt grabbed him by the wrist and laid his hand over his chest.

“Okay,” Newt said, “let’s get this straight.”

Hermann opened his eyes.  “What–“

Newt was staring at him very intently with a determined look on his face.  “I’m not dead, I’m not dying, I don’t plan on dying anytime soon – or, hell, maybe even at all.  I mean, who knows, maybe I’ll crack the secret to immortality, that’d be pretty cool, right?”

“Newton–“

“Let me finish.  Please?”

Hermann nodded.

“Okay, good, thank you.  Like I was saying: not dead.  Not dying.  Not brain-fried and bleeding out from all my various orifices, not getting eaten or torn to shreds by a kaiju, not getting hit by a car, or getting stabbed or shot in some dark ally somewhere…  and I don’t know, what else do I need to cover, here?  Not going to choke to death on a pop-tart, not going to accidentally drink a jar of kaiju stomach acid instead of my coffee, not gonna slip in the shower and break my neck – well, probably not, anyway.  Is _any_ of this getting through to you?”  Before Hermann could respond, Newt was already talking again.  “And for the record, no, I didn’t mean to snoop on your innermost thoughts, but you dream really, really _loudly_ , dude.  I’d pretty much have to be comatose to miss it – and slipping into a coma is another thing I don’t plan on doing, by the way.”

“How long have you known?“

“I started getting… flashes… not long after you first started having nightmares, I think, and I was really trying to just… not push you about it, y’know?  I figured you would talk about it when you were ready, but it just keeps happening, and you just keep going ‘I’m fine’ in that really stubborn, British way of yours, like if you say it enough times it’ll be true, and you’ve been sleeping less and less, and you look so tired _all the time_.  You just keep worrying about _me_ , and it’s not that I don’t appreciate the concern, dude, but it’s eating you up.  It makes me worry about _you_ , and now it’s like we’re trapped in this huge circle-jerk of worrying.  So help me out here, tell me what you need me to do.  What can I do?  Do you want me to get another CAT scan?  I’ll get another CAT scan – I’ll get twenty – I won’t _like_ it, but if that’s what it takes, I’ll do it.“

Hermann surged forward and kissed him, and whatever Newton had been going to say next came out as a muffled squeak instead. 

Newt broke the kiss and huffed indignantly, “You can’t just–“

He kissed him again. 

“So not fair,” Newt moaned into his mouth before breaking away.  “That’s playing dirty.”

Hermann darted in and pressed his lips against his throat, which earned him another, decidedly less articulate moan. 

“Come on, I’m serious.  I’m trying to have a serious conversation and, y’know, being kissed by you is one of my top five favorite things, but not – not if you’re just doing it to shut me up.”  He sounded genuinely hurt and _that_ – that gave Hermann pause.  

He pulled back just enough to look at him.  They were almost nose-to-nose, and at that range, the devastation in Newt’s eyes hit him like a metaphorical truck.  He could count on one hand the number of times he could recall ever seeing him legitimately upset about anything, and he couldn’t remember _ever_ seeing him quite like this.  He was beginning to suspect that there were many sides to Newton Geiszler that most people never saw – either because they didn’t take the time to or because he didn’t give them the chance to.  Hermann believed he had uncovered more of those layers in the past month than he had in the past ten years combined, and he loved every one of them.

God help him, he did.  He really did.  He loved him.

“Newton.”

The other man eyed him warily.  “Yeah?” 

Hermann closed the narrow gap of space between them and kissed him again – less urgently, this time.  He cupped Newt’s face in his hands.  He wondered if it was possible to pour everything he was feeling into his actions – if Newt would feel it – because he didn’t think any amount of words could ever do it justice. 

Newt leaned into the kiss and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, his hand resting at the back of Hermann’s neck.  This time, the kiss didn’t break until they both finally needed to come up for air.  Newt nuzzled his cheek and said, “Oh.”

“You want me to stop worrying about your well-being,” Hermann said, “but I’m not certain that I can.  You are constantly taking dangerous, _stupid_ risks with no regard for your own safety, and if something were to happen to you, I would be… very irritated.”

Newt snorted, “Irritated?  Really?”  On a more serious note, he added, “I can’t stop being me, dude.”

“I wouldn’t want you to.”

“So the solution is that there isno solution?  You’re just going to keep fussing until you’ve fussed yourself to death?  That’s not exactly how I pictured our future together.”

“Our future?”

“Contrary to popular belief, I do think ahead sometimes, you know.  Okay, so, maybe not _a lot_ of the time, but some of the time.”

Hermann sighed.  “I suppose I could _try_ to worry less.  I can’t guarantee success, but I can try.”

Newt gave him a crooked grin and disentangled himself from Hermann to roll over onto his back and stare at the ceiling.  “And I’ll… chew my pop-tarts more carefully from now on, or something.  I mean, the one with the coffee was bad, but that one was _really_ embarrassing.”

“You could always stop eating them altogether.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Newton said, side-eying him critically.  “If you’re seriously asking me to choose between you and pop-tarts, then we’re gonna have a problem.”

“You would choose your _snack food_ over me?”

“I don’t think you understand how much I love pop-tarts.”

“They have practically no nutritional value.”

“Well, I’ve got news for you, buddy: neither do those chocolate truffles you keep stashed in the bottom drawer of your desk, but that never seems to stop you.”

He glared at him.

Newt laughed, “Dude, just come here.”

He allowed Newton to pull him into a loose hug and rested his head on his chest. 

Newt planted a feather-light kiss on the tip of his nose.  “Go to sleep,” he said.  “It’ll be okay.”

~

His awakening was uneventful, which was something of an event in and of itself.  He didn’t know how long he had been asleep, but he felt as though he’d gotten more rest than he had in weeks.  He was still in the same position he’d fallen asleep in, Newton’s heart beating steadily beneath his ear. 

“Hey,” Newt said softly.  “Good morning.”

Hermann didn’t move or open his eyes.  He was perfectly content to stay exactly where he was.  “What time is it?”

“About a quarter past ten.”

That surprised him.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept uninterrupted for more than one or two hours.  Even before he’d started having problems sleeping, he hadn’t been one to sleep for _nine hour_ stretches.  “How long have you been awake?”

“A little over an hour, probably.  I think.  I don’t know, maybe longer.”

“You… you didn’t have to stay.”

“Hey, I _wanted_ to.  Besides, it hasn’t been as boring as you might think.  You make some pretty entertaining noises when you snore.”

He opened his eyes and craned his neck to give Newt a look.  “I do not snore.”

“You do.”

“I do not.”

“Dude, you totally do, and you make these huffy little snuffling noises when you do it.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Oh, I agree, it’s completely ridiculous.  Ridiculously _cute_.”

Hermann buried his burning face in Newton’s shirt.  He did _not_ snore.  He did not, and even if he did, he most certainly did _not_ make the kind of embarrassing sounds he was being accused of making.

Newton gave his shoulder a light squeeze.  “Sleep better?”

“Much better, yes.”

“I’m glad.”

Hermann closed his eyes again.  He probably should have been considering getting out of bed, but he was very comfortable.  Surely no one would hold it against him for sleeping in, just this once.

As he drifted back to sleep, he grumbled, “I _do not_ snore.”

**Author's Note:**

> In it's early planning stages, this was originally going to be a completely stand-alone time loop fic where Newt kept dying in increasingly horrible ways until Hermann successfully managed to get him through it in one piece and the ~power of love~ broke the loop and saved the day, but I ended up going in a different direction and it evolved into this instead.


End file.
